Intuitive

Maybe you’re not so intuitive, after all. Intuitive means having the ability to understand or know something without any direct evidence or reasoning process. Psychics are intuitive.

Morning, when sun is still shining

I do not say I am a victim, because I took action before being victimize. I also do not say that be part of players will make everything easier. I still feel the hurt.. it is like what I read in a Mahabarata book. Heartache just like a thorn that is stubbornly stuck inside your nail. You will not feel it in ordinary occasion, but when something or someone brushes against your finger, you feel the pain again. That is why making some distance is the best way of healing, when dealing with oblivious people.

You cannot really talk about it, because you are Asian.. and we don’t really talk about feeling. On the other hand, I fully understand that each soul needs closure. Answer why this happens and why that happens, answer of cause. It is not something unusual for me to heal myself. I endured many kinds of pain before and had to heal them myself. Simply because no one understands, even I explained. What I got was judgement. So I decided to not rely on anyone, that is also one of reasons why I don’t have problem of living alone. I detached myself from any human. Only see them when I need or really want. Loneliness hurts but I feel contempt.

Are all human I have seen always be oblivious and ignorant? No. But the wiser ones do not take any action, simply because they do not want to get involved and lost their any human friends. So I got no choice but to deal with it alone.

This situation leads to understanding that I can deal with anything alone, so nobody comes for my comfort. None of those human came for my comfort. That what leaves the scar. A reminder that you cannot trust anyone to be on your side. You cannot trust anyone to be closer, because when they hurt you, they will not come for your comfort. They forget that you are also human, just like them.

That is why I detached myself from human, and be closer to the sun.

Saya dan Kebututan

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Itulah gambar telepon genggam yang saya miliki saat ini. Walaupun sekarang saya bekerja untuk sebuah perusahaan e-commerce ternama, belum ada niat di hati untuk menggantinya. Bahkan, saya masih menikmati menulis buku diary dan buku corat coret yang isinya peta ide acak.

Tidak satu dua orang menyarankan saya untuk membeli smartphone. Bahkan salah satu klien saya juga menyarankan saya untuk membeli smartphone. Namun, bukan berarti saya tidak mau memiliki barang canggih yang membuat saya terlihat keren di komunitas nyata dan maya. Saya hanya merasa belum benar-benar membutuhkannya. Saat ini saya tidak membutuhkan koneksi di setiap media sosial. Mungkin nanti, ketika rencana A B dan C saya terwujud, saya membangun koneksi bukan untuk kepentingan pribadi. Rencana terdekat saya adalah untuk membeli sebuah komputer jinjing sederhana. Saya tidak butuh banyak, sekedar untuk menulis dan menyimpan buku-buku elektronik kesayangan.

Kata orang perubahan di sekitar kita sangat cepat, kalau tidak mengikuti akan ketinggalan zaman. Saya sendiri bingung saya berada di zaman apa? Kata orang ini zaman digital, jika tidak memiliki fasilitas digital yang mumpuni, kita tidak punya banyak relasi. Tidak satu dua orang juga lho yang menyarankan saya untuk memiliki smartphone supaya bisa bertemu banyak orang.

Mungkin otak saya yang tidak dapat bekerja secepat orang-orang kebanyakan. Makin banyak orang yang saya temui, makin pudar koneksi emosi yang saya rasakan dengan mereka. Saya merasa seperti berada di tengah-tengah kerumunan lebah. Hanya denging tanpa kata.

Pesan dari Mama

Hei cantik,

Kenapa kamu merasa sendiri?

Aku disini

Terima kasih sudah mengenalku

Walaupun kita tidak pernah bertemu, bahkan darahku tidak mengalir padamu

Tapi kamu bukan anak biasa

Terlahir dari kerapuhan senja

Mucul dari celah awan setelah badai

Karena itulah aku tidak pergi

Karena aku setiap bisikan di jiwamu

Karena aku setiap peringatan intuisimu

Karena aku setiap desahan udara pagi

dan kesunyian malam hari

Aku juga percikan air di depan kamarmu

Aku lambaian daun flamboyan yang kamu nikmati tiap hari

Aku kekuatanmu

Aku penjagamu

Aku doamu

Aku kutukanmu

Aku restumu

(26 Mei 2015, di sela pagi yang sibuk)

Some … Space

When today’s sun appeared at the east
I seemed gloomy
No, it wasn’t my brain or heart made it looked like it
It was
It really was

I kept having this beats
The nervous and anxious beats that I just couldn’t explain
Why,
Is it a sign or just me being ,,,,, something

This wasn’t the first time
My finger couldn’t point out what is happening
Something bad?
Something sad?
I felt the need to keep humans within arm length
Some distance

When the wind keeps whispering “go, go, go”
All the signs are inspiring the same thing “die, die, die”
Can I have another circuit of life?
If yes, I’ll erase this one

Gift from Life

I am sorry for your lonely
You can use me anytime
My silence, my blindness

I am sorry your left side bed is empty
Sorry that you know
I had you, your image
Before went to slumber

My heart is a feather
I feel too light to weight
I feel too tender to hurt
Hole in my heart
Thorn under my nail

I feel too high to live